turning out; not trying to control

So, I realized after Sunday's dance class with Mrs. Hall that I don't turn out enough.

That's not a new realization; I go through phases where I fall prey to the illusion that I do turn just perfectly, thank you very much, only to sit down on my perceived laurels and then realize, to my great dismay, that I've undone all my work because I incorrectly believed that I had "arrived." That I had learned to turn out just fine. Instead, I'd lost it all.

Silly me.

(And isn't that how it is with everything? I go about my life, thinking that I'm doing everything fairly well, and then all of a sudden, a sin of commission or omission hurts someone else or hurts me, or damages my relationship with someOne. And then, I realize, that I have again fallen prey to the illusion that I was doing everything correctly or right - only to remember that I must constantly be a student. I must intentionally be a learner. And I've got to strive to live in that state of learning, of openness, and stop closing myself and my mind).

So - with the turn-out and the dancing. Yesterday's practice was easier in the sense that I wasn't dancing for stamina or endurance, but it was very difficult in other respects. I spent about an hour at the studio before church, working on crossing. One of the other dancers there watched the middle step of my treble jig, which turns backwards for the last five bars, and she noted, "Allison, you're crossing, but you're not turning out. It goes straight at that part."

Oh NO!

So, I spent the last ten minutes of studio time pushing my un-cooperative hips to turn out more, for my legs to cross more.

Then, protein bar, liter of water, apple, and a choir practice later, I was at the gym, focused and determined to get my hips to turn-out more.

Plié squats, leg lifts, calf presses, forward & reverse lunges, two-heels-to-seat jumps, bi's/tri's/delts, hip abductor and adductor (my least favorite, for good reason).

And then, up to the studio at the gym. I walked through the motions of my treble jig, willing my hips to rotate just a few more degrees so that my heels would be just slightly more visible, my positioning just slightly more correct.

And again. And again. And again. By the time I was finished, I FELT it. My hips really felt it.

To finish the day, I started my "envisioning" work. I envisioned myself on the huge Worlds stage, envisioned the stage lights, the darkness of the audience out there, the size of the stage, the sense of one or two dancers on stage with me. And I asked myself, "How do I want to look? What expression do I want to wear? How do I want to present myself?"

I am told often to smile, and I know why. First, it's pleasant to see. Secondly, if I don't do something deliberate with my face, I wear a fearful bunny-rabbit-in-the-headlights look. However, I do not like to smile while dancing. My smile ends up looking plastered, disengaged, and, I think, goofy.

So, I worked on the same face that I have worked on with one of my students - a content, pleased, satisfied, and joyful calm expression. One that says, "I know what I'm doing. I love this dance, and I'm entirely comfortable with it." And I danced each of my dances for turn-out, crossing, and a joyful calm face.

And then collapsed onto a mat on the floor and stretched out my poor hips.

Irish dancing is such an internal battle, truly 85% mental over 15% physical. Sure, the physical training takes up 15-20 hours of my week, but it's my brain and my thoughts that either make or break that time spent working my body. If my head is in the right place, my work will be high-quality, the results will be spectacular, and I will have learned something. If my head is in the wrong place, I will be aimless or I will force things to happen. Regardless, a wrong-headedness will un-do all the work I have done, will leave me frustrated and upset, lacking motivation.

So, it really all boils down to a fight in my brain.

Which means that this blog, at least for the next three weeks, will boil down to my brain processing everything it needs to process before Worlds. Will come down to me trying to develop the right mindset, make these last days of physical practice count. Will boil down to me giving my all - 110% of my mental and physical ability.

Shwew.

Today's Tao Te Ching passage is Chapter 10 from the Stephen Mitchell translation:

Can you coax your mind from its wandering
and keep to the original oneness?
Can you let your body become
supple as a newborn child's?
Can you cleanse your inner vision
until you see nothing but the light?
Can you love people and lead them
without imposing your will?
Can you deal with the most vital matters
by letting events take their course?
Can you step back from your own mind
and thus understand all things?

Giving birth and nourishing,
having without possessing,
acting with no expectations,
leading and not trying to control:
this is the supreme virtue.